Cold, Hurt Hearts
by Aria6
Summary: A story of love and broken hearts and what could be... very sad Sora/Riku story so far, although there might be a happy ending. I like happy endings. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I was listening to some very depressing music when I conceived this idea... I hope you enjoy it and please, please review. I feed on reviews, they are my candy hearts. :)

Riku walked into his apartment feeling tired and worn. There were dark circles under his aquamarine eyes, and even his silver hair looked lank and sallow.

"Just another fun day at the unemployment office." Riku sighed and went to pour himself a cup of coffee. He was distracting himself, he knew. He didn't want to check his answering machine. He was sure he knew what he would find there. He wanted to pretend everything was fine, if only for a little while.

Sipping his coffee, he glanced around the apartment. It was a good little apartment in a fairly nice neighborhood. The appliances were all relatively new, and the furniture was worn but serviceable. There was a dark, paisley print sofa in front of a wide screen TV. The only clutter in the apartment was the game system and all the games in front of it. Wincing, he looked away. Not even his apartment was completely safe…

But he had delayed as long as he could. Setting down his coffee, he closed his eyes for a second before walking over to the answering machine and hitting the button.

_Riku, this is Sora. I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. I'm at Demyx's place._ Riku swallowed hard as the words tore at his heart. _I can't trust you. I'm sorry Riku, but this is for the best._ Riku stared at the answering machine blankly for a long moment, the pressed the delete button. He never wanted to hear that message again. Once was enough.

His relationship with Sora had been rocky for years, and it had all been his fault. Riku knew that. But… it was so hard for him. So hard to reach out, to really let the little brunette into his heart. He'd been orphaned at the age of two, and no one had ever wanted him. Every foster home he'd come and gone from had scarred his heart a little more, until his heart felt like nothing but a piece of ice. Until he'd met Sora, and found warmth he'd never even known he craved. But trying to crack open the ice had hurt. It had been such a struggle to let Sora in, to really include him in what he was thinking and feeling. To trust him with everything.

Riku slumped down onto the couch, resting his face in his hands, a few quiet tears sliding down his cheeks. The worst part was that he didn't even remember the incident that had lost Sora's love completely. They had gone out to a party… they had been drinking… and Riku's mind was a complete blank. He had no memory of what had happened. The first thing he could remember was waking up groggy, with a burning ache between his thighs and Demyx yelling at him. Only Demyx telling him had let him know he'd had sex with someone the night before… and it hadn't been Sora. Riku still didn't know who it had been. He wondered a bit… could he have been drugged? His complete lack of memory was strange. But it didn't matter. If he told his suspicions to Sora, it would sound like a self-serving excuse. And Riku had too much pride to go crying rape. He'd probably just gotten drunk and suffered a blackout.

So now Sora was leaving him. The ice around his heart was firmly in place… but it felt like he was bleeding to death beneath it, and he couldn't stop the bleeding. The biggest bandage in the world wouldn't have been enough. But the ice let him think clearly, and he calmly sat at his computer, pulling up one particular file. The one titled, _Start with the postcards from…_He'd never bothered giving files real names. Word grabbed the first few words he had typed, and that was enough. Staring at the screen, Riku examined the words carefully and tried to decide. Was it time for this? He'd written this file years ago… before he met Sora. But he'd refined it since then, whenever he was in a particularly morbid mood. Did he want to use this file? Was the pain in his heart really that bad?

Yes. Yes, it was. Riku sniffed quietly, blinking rapidly to hold back his tears. Nothing could be worse than what he was feeling now. And it was all his fault. This file had the blueprint for how to take care of it.

_Start with the postcards from . _Feeling dead inside, Riku accessed the website. It was a very odd, specialized service that he'd stumbled across by accident. You could order postcards with printed messages that would be sent from certain locations to your friends and family at a time of your choosing. The printed messages part was a bit odd, maybe, but a lot of people didn't care to write when there was a printer around. And the postcards were very useful for convincing people you were somewhere you actually weren't. Riku imagined the usual users of the service were cheating spouses, but he had a different purpose in mind. He ordered several cards, but instead of having them sent to Sora or Demyx… that would be strange, since Sora was breaking up with him and Demyx wasn't his friend… he had them sent to Axel. Axel was a friend, sort of. The closest thing he had to one now, anyway, even if he was more Sora's friend than his since Sora was Roxas brother. Riku had no doubt that if he were planning on staying, Axel would drop him like a hot potato… but he wasn't planning on staying, so this wouldn't seem odd.

_Call the storage centre and a moving truck._ Riku quickly attended to that. He'd need a place to put his furniture… he was pleasantly surprised to find that the moving company could be out today. Apparently, they'd had a cancellation. And the storage depot had a spot open where he could store his things. The stars seemed to be aligning in his favor… although that meant he would have to clean out the fridge immediately. Fortunately, he always kept the house clean. And they wouldn't arrive for several hours.

_Give back anything that doesn't belong to you._ Riku frowned at that reminder and glanced around the apartment. Did he have anything that belonged to anyone else? His gaze immediately settled on the game system, and he winced. That definitely wasn't his. Sighing, he reached for the phone to place a call.

_Hello?_ Riku swallowed at the familiar voice on the other end.

"Sora." His own voice was husky, and Riku had to stop to clear his throat for a moment. "I got your message. Could you come over to pick up your gaming system? I'm… taking care of some things." There was a brief pause on the other end.

_I can come over in an hour or two. Riku… are you okay?_ There was worry in Sora's voice, and Riku swallowed thickly.

"I'm fine." His voice was husky again, but he couldn't help it. "Thanks Sora." He quickly hung up the phone. He would be brave. It was all his fault this was happening. Finding a box… there was always a few from when he shopped at M&M's… he began carefully packing up the gaming system and the games.

It hurt. Looking at the titles, he could recall when they had played each one together. Riku stopped on one particular game… Kingdom Hearts… and just stared at it for a moment. Just a few days ago, looking at it would have made him smile. But not today. Not ever again. He gently packed it away as if it was the most precious thing in the world, and closed the box, wrapping it with tape. He didn't want anything to be damaged. It wasn't Sora's fault things had gone this way. Then he set it by the door and grabbed a garbage bag, cleaning the fridge out, then anything else edible in the kitchen. It all needed to go in the garbage. He didn't want anything that could attract vermin at the storage depot. There was probably a rule against it anyway.

The doorbell rang when he was almost done. Closing his eyes for a moment to compose himself, Riku went to the door and opened it. It hurt so much, to see Sora there, wearing that cute blue sweather of his with the white ties… the crown necklace he always wore… the big blue eyes that always seemed so warm. They weren't warm now. But that would have been a ridiculous thing to expect, and Riku only nodded, not trying to fake a smile. It would have looked absurd.

"Here's your things." Riku picked up the box, offering it to Sora. The gaming system was the only thing he had here… Sora had never actually moved in. He lived with Roxas and Axel. Riku had been quietly hurt about that for a while, but now he was grateful for it. This whole process would have been very difficult if Sora had been there to see what he was doing. Sora would try to stop him if he knew… and Riku didn't want him to know. Sora deserved to be happy with someone who could really love him, not hurting over someone who didn't deserve it.

"Riku… why?" Sora said softly. He had to ask. Riku looked down, then back up, aquamarine eyes meeting blue.

"I don't know. I can't even remember who it was. I must have been very drunk. I'm sorry, Sora." Again, he thought about mentioning his suspicion that maybe he'd been drugged and… raped. The more he thought about it, the likelier it seemed. He didn't like being on the bottom and it couldn't have been good, the way he felt the next day. He'd been left limping and in considerable pain. But Riku had no proof and didn't even know who he'd had sex with. There was just no point. Sora looked at him sadly and shook his head, taking the box.

"You weren't that drunk, Riku." Riku looked down… Sora had been at the same party, so presumably he would know. "I don't know who you went with either, but I know that much. Don't lie to me." Sora's voice sounded… bitter and tired. He'd tried hard to make things work, Riku knew, and he felt his heart break a little more. Sora shouldn't sound like that. Sora should be happy…

"I'm not lying, Sora." Riku said quietly, blinking rapidly for a moment. "But it is what it is. I'm sorry." Sora just looked at him, then glanced around… and frowned as he saw the garbage bags.

"Riku? What are you doing?" It was a bit odd. Riku hesitated, then shrugged.

"Cleaning the kitchen." Sora blinked at him. That was a strange thing to do at a time like this, even if Riku was a neat freak.

"…Why?" Sora sounded a little uneasy. Riku shrugged again, pretending it was nothing important.

"It was something to do." Sora frowned, but nodded and stepped out of the apartment. That was like Riku, to work to take his mind off things. Although cleaning that much out of the kitchen was still odd. He'd seen several garbage bags, all of them full. "Later Sora."

"Later Riku." Riku closed the door, running a hand over his face now that the brunette wasn't there to see. He couldn't be done this fast enough.

Sora, meanwhile, was looking at the parcel in his arms. It had been packed with obvious care, and secured well with packing tape. That was… so like Riku. So methodical and careful, down to the very last details. Sora winced at the thought, his eyes brimming with tears for a moment. He was going to miss that about Riku. Sighing, he walked to the elevator… and was surprised to see several men in the jackets of a prominent moving company getting out.

"Oh, someone's moving?" He said conversationally, and one of them nodded with a smile.

"Yeah, unit 328." Sora blinked, but managed to hide his shock. That was Riku's apartment number. Riku was going somewhere? But that didn't make any sense. Riku didn't do things spur of the moment, that just wasn't his style. Everything he did was planned. Feeling like he was in a mental haze, Sora left the building and went to his car. He could see the moving van easily from where he was. He put the box in the trunk of the car, and hesitated, thinking.

Riku didn't do things without a plan… so what he was doing was planned. But he hadn't mentioned moving to Sora, so… this had to be a plan that had been put into effect just this morning. What was Riku doing? Sora sat in his car, chewing his fingernails for a moment. He was… worried about Riku.

Everyone else thought of Riku as cold and distant, the strong, silent type. Sora was the only one who knew how much of that was façade. How much fragility there was beneath that cold, forbidding exterior. Riku had opened up to him more than anyone else in the world, so Sora knew there was a person under all the ice… a person who desperately wanted to be loved but didn't know how to relate with other people except by snapping at them. And then was sad when he was all alone. Not surprised, no, Riku understood his own flaws well enough… but sad.

It had been hard to get past that exterior, but it had seemed worth it… until Riku cheated on him. Sora blinked back tears at the thought. He'd been shocked and horrified by the betrayal. Demyx had told him what had happened, and he doubted Riku would have said anything if the sitarist hadn't forced him to confess. It hurt so badly, to find out that Riku would throw away everything they had for a one night stand. And then to claim he couldn't remember… he hadn't been that drunk. Sora was sure of it.

So why was he sitting here, watching a moving van and worrying about Riku? Sora wasn't sure… but he was. Something wasn't right about this. The van finally pulled away, and Sora tensed as he saw Riku go to his own car, carrying a black backpack. He seemed completely oblivious to the world around him, and Sora chewed his lip as Riku started his car.

"This is a bad idea." He said to himself, but he wasn't listening. Putting his car into gear, he began following Riku.

He needed to know what Riku was doing.


	2. Chapter 2

Riku glanced around as he pulled up next to the lake.

The lake was sitting by a fairly deserted rode, but he would still have to be careful at certain stages of his plan. Pulling out his backpack, he set it safely away from the car and pulled out a diagram, examining it carefully with a frown. This part was going to be tricky. He hadn't been able to test it, for obvious reasons. On the plus side, if it didn't work he'd probably be able to try again. If it somehow failed enough to kill him, his death would be put down as a bizarre accident. That wasn't his plan but it would do. Riku smiled, the small smile of someone who has had a thought that is not really funny but has, nonetheless, amused them. He might even earn a Darwin award. Riku paused his work for a moment as a car went by, then resumed his task. He didn't want anyone to see.

Pulling out the cord he'd brought with him, he set to work. Soon he had the gas pedal tied down. Now he would just have to start the car and-

Riku jerked out of the car as it went right into the lake. Soon it was floating out into the water, but it quickly sank. He'd left all the windows open to ensure it would. Satisfied with his work, Riku picked up his backpack. He had a fair ways to go before he reached the place he needed. He was oblivious to the eyes watching him from the trees.

Sora, meanwhile, was speechless. He had been the person driving by, and he'd parked not far down the road and walked back. Riku had sunk his car? Why? Sora was starting to feel afraid. Riku's behavior was utterly bizarre but it was definitely planned. Why was he doing this? Sora cautiously followed, trying to keep the silver haired man in sight without alerting him to his presence. Fortunately for Sora, Riku was completely wrapped up in his own thoughts. Very dark, depressed thoughts.

_I was never worthy of him. Sora will find someone better. Maybe Demyx, Dem likes him. Or maybe he'll go for a girl. Maybe Kairi. She would be good for him. I hope he'll be happy._ Riku heaved a sigh that was almost a sob, and closed his eyes for a moment as he walked. _I wish I could have been someone else for him._ But he couldn't let himself dwell on that, not right now, or he would break down. And he needed to stay clear minded for just a bit longer.

This was a place he'd found when he was ten. He'd lived near here, in a particularly abusive foster home, so he'd come here whenever everything was too much. He would follow this trail and hide in the cave he had found under the waterfall. It had been a beautiful escape, but a much darker use for it had occurred to him then. Riku probably knew it was some kind of sign of mental illness, that he'd had those thoughts even at ten, but it seemed more like a logical reaction to his life.

Sora watched, wide-eyed, as Riku slipped behind a waterfall. Then he followed hesitantly. But how was he going to see inside? He hadn't brought a flashlight. Fortunately for him, Riku had brought something better than a flashlight… a lantern. He froze as Riku lit the lantern and carried it with him, illuminating the cave. The light it gave was enough for Sora to follow, although he was afraid of Riku hearing his footsteps. But the echoes in the cave would be confusing, so he probably wouldn't notice. Probably.

Riku didn't notice, although he did hear plenty of echoes. He dismissed them, since he had to be alone. How could anyone else be here? The cave went fairly deep into the rock, until it became quite dark, but Riku kept going. As far as he knew no one else knew about this cave, but he didn't want to make it easy for anyone to stumble over him. Not for years, at least.

Setting down his lantern, Riku took a seat on the cave floor, resting his back against the rough limestone. Reaching into the bag he withdrew the last thing he had brought with him, a very sharp steak knife. It would do what he wanted. Very easily, in fact. Riku regarded it for a long moment, smiling a little sadly. Even if someone found his body years from now, there was almost no chance they would figure out who the bones belonged to since no missing persons report would have been filed. He'd planned this very well.

Riku had thought about suicide from a very early age and over time, his plans had gotten very refined. He'd thought out every bit of this, but his goals were, he thought, a little odd. Riku had read up on suicide over the years and read that most suicides had an element of anger in them. A "you'll be sorry when I'm dead" mentality. At first, he had thought that way too but eventually it had repelled him. Maybe when he was a child it would have made sense, but at this point all his friends were trying. It wasn't their fault he was a completely worthless human being. The people who had helped screw him up in the first place probably didn't even remember him. His suicide would hurt only the people who really cared about him.

So he'd decided they shouldn't know. They would think he was living in Hawaii, when the cards finished coming. And Sora would be able to go on with his life without any guilt. Just a few sad memories of a boy he'd once known. A silver haired boy named Riku who had cheated on him and walked away without a word.

Riku dropped his head, closing his eyes as his grip on the knife tightened. _Worthless. Useless. Lost my job and got raped at a club like a drunken frat girl. They were always right. I was never any good for anything. Oh Sora. I love you. Find someone good for you._ Riku took a deep breath and positioned the knife at the crook of his arm-

"Riku! NO!" His eyes shot open at that sudden cry. _Sora?_ Utterly shocked, he stared wide-eyed as the brunette boy shot out of the darkness, almost tripping over the lantern. Riku quickly lowered the knife as Sora hugged him.

"Wh-what?" Riku felt like his thoughts had suddenly slowed down to the speed of molasses. How could Sora be here? Was he dead already or was he dreaming? This just wasn't possible. But he could feel Sora's arms around him, the little brunette sobbing into his chest. "Sora, how… what…?"

"Why Riku? Why would you do this to yourself?" Sora looked up at him, his blue eyes full of tears, and Riku swallowed convulsively.

"Why?" He heard himself say like a far off dream. "I'm a fuck up Sora. I'm useless. I couldn't hold my job and I couldn't hold onto you. I screw up the things that matter the most to me all the time. I get raped at a club like an idiot-"

"Raped?" Sora blinked and Riku winced. He hadn't meant to say that. Then Sora went pale. "Someone raped you? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know for sure." Riku muttered, looking away. This was a dream. Wasn't it? Sora couldn't really be with him right now. But it felt so real. "I just can't remember anything at all and I think there's a drug that can cause that. But I don't know. It's all a blank."

"But why didn't you say anything? It would have made a difference to me, and I'm sure the police have a test for that!" Sora doubted the police could really help much at this late date- Riku would have destroyed any evidence by accident- but they could at least confirm whether or not he had been drugged. Riku swallowed.

"Because… because I'll still be a worthless fuck up Sora. You deserve someone who can, can show their feelings and be what you need. Not a cold b-bastard like me. I'm sorry Sora. I didn't want you to know. You shouldn't have known." Riku was breathing heavily and finally couldn't hold back the tears anymore. The slid down his cheeks and into Sora's hair until he reached up to wipe them away. "You shouldn't have r-remember me except as that b-boy you knew a long t-time ago. And everyone could be h-happy…" It was ruined now. All his careful plans were gone. Sora was here and Sora would blame himself, Riku knew that. What could he do? What should he do? This wasn't a dream, it was real.

"Except for you, because you would be dead!" Sora cried, gripping him so tightly it was a little hard for Riku to breath. "Riku, you're so stupid sometimes. I love you. Don't you understand that? I love you!" Riku swallowed heavily, his mouth feeling dry and his head buzzing.

"Sora, you shouldn't love me. You should find someone good for you, like Demyx maybe, someone who-mph!" Sora had silenced him by pressing his lips over his. Riku felt faint.

"Riku, it doesn't matter what I should do, I love you. I love you so much. That's why it hurt so bad when I thought you slept with someone. Why didn't you tell me about being drugged? Why do you always keep things to yourself?" Sora demanded, then shook his head. "Nevermind. You're Riku. It's okay, we can try again." Riku sniffed, enfolding him in an embrace.

"How many times can we try, Sora?" He asked softly. They'd already tried so many times to make things work. How many times could they do it? Sora was silent for a moment, then looked up.

"As many as it takes. Because I love you and you love me." Riku smiled, a weak, watery smile and Sora smiled back for a moment. Then his eyes narrowed. "And if you ever try to kill yourself again I'm going to hurt you! Got it?"

"Got it." Riku managed to say, finally feeling his heart coming back to life. Feeling the bleeding stop. Sora loved him, even if he was a complete screw up. That counted for something, didn't it? And he couldn't kill himself now anyway. Sora would know and Riku couldn't bear to think of him sad.

"C'mon, lets get out of here." Sora tugged him to his feet, and Riku picked up the lantern, leaving the knife and backpack behind. They didn't matter anymore.

"My car is at the bottom of the lake." He mentioned as they walked out, and Sora nodded, keeping an arm around his waist.

"I saw that. I'm parked down the road." Riku thought for a moment longer as they walked. His aborted plans had left all kinds of practical problems behind.

"All my stuff is in storage. I probably can't get it out for a month." Riku was hazy on that. He hadn't paid much attention to the terms of the contract since he'd just planned to let it lapse and the storage company could seize his stuff to pay for the bill. Sora just shrugged.

"You can stay with me and Axel and Roxas." Riku thought about that and winced. Roxas wasn't that fond of him either, probably because he was very close to Sora and had seen their ups and downs. But it was either that or the floor of his apartment. And he'd already handed in his thirty days notice. He was truly messed up at the moment.

"Okay." Riku smiled down at the shorter brunette. "Thanks Sora." All of a sudden, he was glad to still be alive. A moment ago he'd had no hope but now… now he did again. It was strange, how Sora could do that to him.

"You're welcome. Just don't do this again, please." Sora didn't want to think of the world without Riku in it. Riku was wrong about himself. He was really an amazing person, and he deserved better than to die forgotten in a hole somewhere.

"I promise." And Riku meant to keep that promise. He would live for Sora. And hopefully, they could finally make things work.


End file.
